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Joke of the Day

"TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port. Whoops, wrong sub."

"He told me I was too pretty not to smile. So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose. Now I'm smiling."

"LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER"

"what do you call a magical dog? A Labracadabrador."

"Did you hear Peter Dinklage got pickpocketed? Who would stoop that low?"

"Where did the belly button go to school? The Navel Academy"

"""Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective"" - cats"

"Did you know it's impossible to piss your pants on purpose? It's a weird biological thing"

"I like my women like I like my wine Red and full of alcohol."

"I've decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It's pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I'm angry."