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Joke of the Day

"I've decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It's pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I'm angry."

"How many planets are there in the solar system? There used to be nine, then there was eight and when I'm done with Uranus there'll be seven."

"How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb? What, you don't know? Well I guess you weren't FUCKING THERE, MAN!"

"Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster"

"Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?"

"Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell."

"Don't walk around the city at night with a lot of bread in your pocket. You might get rolled."

"A blind man walked into a bar... And a table, and a chair"

"Three Nuns at a Bus Stop Three little old nuns were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man runs up and flashes them. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach."

"She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your ""signature sex move"" She: Judgmental Corpse?"