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Joke of the Day

"[first date] HER: i'm really into guys- ME (eager to impress her): me too"

"Birds can be dangerous. Do you know what's the primary risk that woodpeckers pose to women? Splinters."

"A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on."

"What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common? Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure."

"I just watched a movie following a black man in a zombie apocalypse. It was the shortest movie I've ever watched."

"Couldn't get into the library the other day... ... it was fully booked."

"Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account."

"Why did the gamer start working out? He wanted to finally get respecced."

"What's a Mexicans favorite protein? Whey"

"Waiter: What can I get for you? Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked? M: By anyone other than my wife"