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Joke of the Day

"*catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were."

"Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter! Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you."

"Cop: You know your license's expired? Me: Didnt even know it was sick. Cop: Haha! Me: HAHA! Cop: Hehe.. Me: Eheh.. Cop: Step out of the car."

"OH: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located."

"This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls."

"Know the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish."

"What's difference between good weed and good pussy? You can smell the weed from across the room."

"Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts."

"When Russians visit Mexico What do you call it when Russians get diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico? Trotsky's Revenge"

"Why was the guy with the foot fetish in a bad neighborhood? Because he heard it was the place to get toes."