202423

Joke of the Day

"Let's raise our glasses. I'll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We'll name this action after cooked bread"

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"After writing Revelations, John ask God... ""Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"" ""*No, by Trump/Pence.*"" ""Right, so trumpets."" ""*Fuck it, they'll figure it out.*"""
"[at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? ""yeah"" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?"
"[Stock market crashes] ""Oh no, I better check on my investments!"" *opens cupboard over top of the sink* [1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]"
"Why wasn't the chemist concerned when she blew up her experiment? Oxidants happen,"
"Helicopter crash A helicopter crashed today over a cemetery on the outskirts of the city. So far the authorities have recovered over 200 bodies."
"well its a strange request ""pleease"" ok ok [doctor says test results again only this time in arnold schwarzenegger voice] its naht a toomah"
"How did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool."
"A Meteorologist's best subject is small talk. They only talk about the weather."
"Will you be my 14th most used emoji?"