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Joke of the Day

"I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker."

"I accidentally sprayed spot remover on my dog... ...now he's gone."

"CW: How was your weekend? *finds nearest object* ""Hello?"" CW: Are you talking to a stapler? ""I'm sorry, I have to take this."""

"Why did the man put his car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod."

"Girl are you a Louis Vuitton store? Because I've never been inside you and probably never will unless I'm rich one day."

"The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don't like the French."

"What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa Claus goes down the chimney."

"A beer matt walks into a bar.. Drinks are on me!"

"So I asked my friend, ""I hear your husband applied for a position in the government"" Me:""What is he doing now?"" Friend: ""Nothing"" Me: ""But I thought he got the job!?"" Friend: ""Yes he did."""

"When someone stands next to me at the urinals, I can't pee because I'm nervous they'll see the kitten I keep in my pants."