19991

Joke of the Day

"My wife woke me up all excited this morning... She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit."

"Why do aliens always disembark via ramp? Do they have problems with stairs? Or are flying saucers just handicap-accessible?"

"I started a band called 999 Megabytes ... we haven't gotten a gig yet"

"What did the rabbit say to the carrot? It's been nice gnawing you."

"There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, ""Now what?"" He says, ""I dunno...I never got this far."""

"Us New Yorkers try to stick to the four main food groups; pizza, pizza bagels, pizza pies, and cheesecake."

"A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender ""I'll have a gin...and tonic."" Bartender says ""OK, but why the pause?"" ""I was born with them."""

"What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? Long John Silvers."

"What do you call a British guy who throws a spear through the knee? Britney Spears"

"[My band playing on stage] New GF's friend: Which one is the boy you've been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died"