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Joke of the Day

"So Donald Trump walks into the oval office as the 45th president of the U.S. Title"

"Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back."

"I clicked ""Going"" on a Facebook event last week but now I feel like staying in... *masked tough guys throw me in a van* ""You committed, pal"""

"Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army"

"I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. ""Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner."" No thanks."

"What do you call a penis and a potato on a boats? A dictatorship!"

"A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some. ""How hard is it?"" she asked. ""About as hard as my dick."" he replied. ""Pour me some."""

"What's long and black? The unemployment line"

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? You don't tell her anything anymore, you've already explained twice."

"What did the french butter say when it got stocked in the cooler? Beurre... I came up with this today while grocery shopping. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself."