19953

Joke of the Day

"Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise."

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"What do you call alcohol in a bird bath? Tequila mockingbird"
"Someone tried to touch my ass without my permission. Safe to say, I'm not letting anyone on my farm again."
"[1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo"
"I've been dating this lady who is gluten free... Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, ""do you want to split a sandwich."" I say, ""sure"" and then I'm just left with the bread."
"If a man tells you he'll fix it, he will fix it. There is no need to incessantly remind him about it every 5 to 6 months."
"WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday"
"Oregon's defense."
"Apparently my friends think I'm paranoid. I fucking knew it."
"When I was younger, I was kicked out of the Boy Scouts I ate a Brownie."