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Joke of the Day

"Yeah, no, I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff."

"What do the Canadian Illuminati call themselves? The Illuminat-Eh!"

"Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I'd be upset, but I've been too busy licking off the bricks."

"So Jesus walks into a hotel... he puts three nails on the counter and says, ""Hey, can you put me up for the night?"""

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"Why do professional product reviewers like vacuum cleaners? No matter how good or bad it is, they can truthfully say ""it sucks."""

"Dad, I'm not high I swear! says a kid to his dad, to which the dad replies: ""Five minutes ago, you threw your hamster through the window screaming ""Pikachu, I choose you!"""""

"What do you call a crossdressing nanny in Martha's Vineyard? A Nantucket."

"What is Donald trumps favorite street? Wall Street *badum tshhh*"

"Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it's so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don't suspect a thing."