198511

Joke of the Day

"[having sex] Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS! Her: USE YOUR HANDS! Me: *raises the roof*"

"Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light."

"Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn't be arguing..."

"Pal: ""on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals"" Me: ""how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?"""

"Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer."

"What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I have never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next"

"Why did Hillary go to the OB/GYN? She was feelin' the Bern!"

"Why did Marx pay for dinner on the first date? Because his utopia might be classless, but he's not"

"You were the hot single in your area the whole time."