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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend asked me: ""If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"" And I answered: ""Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"""

"If you find me passed out in Austin this weekend with a penis drawn on my face at least have the decency to not tag me in the facebook pic."

"Dinner at Cracker Barrel My wife and I at Cracker Barrel tonight. I looked around and said ""looks like we're having dinner at the nursing home."""

"Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three? One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

"There are three rings in marriage The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"What did the lesbian lumberjill say to her girlfriend? Have I got an ax to grind with you."

"If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus."

"Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those ""plane clothes cops."""

"I think all crime scenes should be photographed on Instagram."

"Why are outdoor workers so in fit? Cause they work out."