1984

Joke of the Day

"[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*"

"How do you make a plumber cry? Murder his family"

"What don't BMWs have that all other manufacturers do? Turn signals"

"Lots of road accidents are caused by bad weather It snow joke"

"When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what? We do."

"""Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?"" Making people guess the meaning of acronyms."

"I swear, if the paper were better quality, I would wipe my ass with all these fucking reports I have to print out all the fucking time"

"Me: I could tell you, but I'd have to- Him: Kill me? hahaha Me: No, talk to you. And I don't wanna do that."

"If I had a buck for every time an elk was confused for a deer... I'd have a lot of doe"

"""Iraqi Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Kills 22 Pupils."" Finally, some school violence everybody can support."