197714

Joke of the Day

"""I think that kid's a robot"" What? ""Look at his mouth"" Relax they're just braces *backs away slowly* ""That's exactly what a robot would say"""

Next Joke
 
"I'm busy hiding all of the tissues in my house... So when Santa comes tonight he will have to use his beard"
"What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly a dick up a butt."
"Why would someone name a dog ""pistachio""? Because they're nuts"
"So I was walking home from work.... And I saw this black guy carrying a tv and I thought it was mine but then I ran home and mine was still there shining my shoes."
"*Opens Twitter*.....scrolls 4356 tweets....*checks for abs*"
"Why do girls... Hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even!"
"I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives."
"This grocery store is playing ""Freebird"" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey."
"Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!"