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Joke of the Day

"That Mona Lisa... She's no oil painting, is she?"

"Why did the minus sign run for office? To make a difference."

"The doctor said I have Type A blood But it was a Type O"

"Who's idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open."

"Just did my first stand up comedy routine ever. AMA."

"I'm for driverless cars but honestly having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of shit 24/7"

"When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram."

"Did you hear about that party at Thor's? No, I guess you wouldn't have; he kept it pretty Loki."

"My dad says I'm lazy, but he's wrong. I like work. I could watch it for hours."

"Love is a decision. I have decided not to smother my husband with his pillow. Our love will live another day."