196298

Joke of the Day

"Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I'm in the bathtub."

"Why aren't healthy drive-thrus a thing? I want an egg and a grapefruit and a latte and I don't want to get out of my car damn it."

"Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I'm pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots :("

"Customer: Waiter I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got together."

"Coworker: ""How was your weekend?"" Me: ""You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions."""

"How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible"

"HOLLYWOOD They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a slave but id only been married for 10"

"If I wanted to seduce my mom with fruit... ...should I send her an Oedipal Arrangement?"

"What do you call a spanish speaking Coffee Translatte."

"They canceled school and reminded everyone to ""Prepare for a blackout"" I've got 2 bottles of Vodka and percocet Blackout is *so happening*"