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Joke of the Day

"As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?"

"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob."

"My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don't have to shovel snow this weekend."

"Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic.."

"The Inuits don't deal with your crap, because they're having Nunavut."

"I farted today and 4 people turned around.. I felt like I was on The Voice."

"Whats the most politically divided animal? The polar bear.. I'll see myself out..."

"Top of my Med School Class: I don't just play God, I win. *definitely not remotely true*"

"Virgin Airlines is opening a bank called Virgin Money. It's for people who've never been screwed by a bank before."

"I scream, you scream- Fine, I'll put down the flare gun and let the hostages go."