195617

Joke of the Day

"still waiting to see a used car commercial that looks like they cared enough to do more than one take."

"Dance like the picture's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Tweet like no one's following."

"Head says ""Forget about her."" Heart says ""Tell her u love her."" Bottle of whisky says""Ride the cat around the house & you'll feel better."""

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly this dick in your mouth."

"People named Thomas, your nickname isn't ""Thom"" it's Tom. ""Thom"" thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos."

"Broken Window Wife: You need to fix the bathroom window, then neighbor can see me every time I shower. Husband; I know, he saw you and called me to tell me he's paying for the window repair."

"They'll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that's been open for more than 2 years."

"How many rioters does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be stupid, rioters can't change anything."

"Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears."

"Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*"