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Joke of the Day

"[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen."

"How to become cool A) Put on sunglasses B)"

"I hear mushrooms are good for your social life. They'll make you a really fungi."

"WALGREENS PARADOX: No matter which Walgreens you go to, they will have built one closer to you before you can get there."

"Why did Snow White buy an android phone? She thought the apple was poisoned."

"I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt"

"I'm teaching 7 it's ok for a man to cry, & it's also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider."

"Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose? WRONG. Neither. Don't ever take my candy."

"What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity"

"Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? Because it made him mean."