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Joke of the Day

"Top three perverts that see you when you're sleeping: 1. Santa. 2. God. 3. NSA."

"No, I'm not an addict I just really really need it."

"Drew Barrymore is so hot. That's why E.T. is one of my favorite movies."

"[after lover's spat] ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes. HER: You're just naming foods. ME: Pumpkin. Muffin. HER: ... ME: Zucchini bread."

"Tickets for the wheelchair races are selling out...seats are going fast!"

"Why won't Hillary ever pull out? She's never finished screwing people."

"[speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT"

"Most medicines have side effects... ...except Viagra has front effects. Good bye."

"What do you call a group of dogs? a PAW-se"

"The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it's TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years."