193514

Joke of the Day

"My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining."

"Do you know what looks funny? s p o u ,no u p no"

"Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad."

"Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman."

"Why do squirrels swim on their back? to keep their nuts dry."

"[speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let's get married."

"A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I'm like I'm not looking for anything serious right now."

"just got my nipples pierced! and they gave me a discount because I have so many!"

"My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone."

"What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie? I'll be Bach."