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Joke of the Day

"I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don't have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up."

"What did the pizza man say to Jay Garrick? Hi, I'm Jay Garrick."

"Sometimes I get scared robots are going to take over. Then I use a motion-controlled sink."

"(My romance novel) ""You have a pretty face,"" he said. ""Thank you,"" she said, lifting up her bangs. ""I've got even more face under here."""

"75% of humans masterbate in the shower, the other 25% hum, do you know what song they hum? Well then I guess I know which percentage you're in."

"I'm definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store. Oh, wait. That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt. I'm the second most successful guy."

"My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush."

"My girlfriend left because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry... I'll return."

"What goes ""Tick Tock, woof woof""? A watchdog."

"I'm confused Wait... maybe I'm not"