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Joke of the Day

"My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath. The walls, too. Yup, and ceiling."

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Your house back, your truck back, your girl back, and your dog back."

"[long ago] A: Ok, so let's mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it. B: Great idea. Write that down. A: Where?"

"*opens facebook messenger* *sips mtn dew twice* *strokes neckbeard* *begins typing* Sorry abt ur mom dying Tis a shame Btw ur attractive"

"Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking in tents!"

"What did the owner of the gay bar do when his joint was full and he couldn't seat all of his customers? He flipped the chairs over."

"[Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER."

"How do you say virgin in German? Guten tight ( )"

"I love being alive but my favorite thing to do is sleep."

"I went shopping for some lingerie for my wife. I asked the shop keep if the panties were satin. He said ""No, they're brand new""."