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Joke of the Day

"Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed."

"[waffle house] Waitress: how do u like your eggs Me: hatched and with their families W: no how do u like them cooked M: [spits out coffee]"

"Guy: you've been a bad girl. Girl: yes baby, punish me. Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*."

"Hey girl, are you an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing."

"Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth. Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that. Me: Go home."

"Tried to hit on a girl whom I thought was married. A miss"

"I've decided to sell my hoover... well, well, it was just collecting dust."

"At first I didn't really like my haircut... ...but now it's really growing on me."

"My response when someone ask me how's life with a penis. It's hard."

"Why don't we ever go 'forth and back'? To go forth and multiply is more fun."