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Joke of the Day

"Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth. Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that. Me: Go home."

"What do you call a Muslim who is also a pilot? Greg if you're a friend, Gregory if you were introduced, Mr. Abdalla if you're doing business with one another."

"Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces."

"I hope Fatboy Slim dies on the Hollywood boulevard halfway between the gutter and the stars."

"What is 20 inches long and makes women scream at night? A stillborn"

"Mary had a little sheep and with the sheep she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram so Mary had a little lamb."

"Teacher: In music if ""f"" means ""forte"" what does ""ff"" mean ? Pupil: Eighty"

"INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING."

"I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald's bathroom. I'm up $405 or whatever."

"Dating a homeless girl I can just drop her off anywhere after the date right?"