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Joke of the Day

"*gets hit by a car* Passerby: ""ARE YOU OKAY?"" Me: ""Please... I need my... phone"" *opens Twitter* Me: ""LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"""

"waldo at the gym can't none of y'all spot me"

"What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter? Thank you for your patients."

"How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change"

"Umlaut is a pretty fancy word for what are basically just letter nipples."

"Me: I need to lose my baby weight. Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest? Me: Thirteen."

"How is digging fence post holes like being the mayor of Toronto? It goes pretty smoothly until you start hitting the rock."

"Magician: ""Think of a number."" Me: ""Okay."" Magician: ""Are you thinking of a number?"" Me: ""Yes."" *the crowd goes wild with applause*"

"Every couple weeks I pour a little cocoa powder and hot milk down the sink as a pick me up for any struggling mole people."

"What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time"