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Joke of the Day

"I just ate wood chips covered in lead-based paint... Hopefully I'll ""number 2"" a pencil."

"Wife: ""I've made the chicken soup"" ""Thank god for that. I thought we had to eat it!"""

"The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he's 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid."

"I got mad at a rock today. I chopped it in half with my lightsaber. Now there are two rocks. Send help. Now."

"My husband just had a heart attack during climax He was nearly there - but then he was nearly gone."

"The golf joke What's the best part about golf? It's the only activity where you actually aim for the hole under 18 and you don't go to jail."

"What do Canadian banks and psych wards have in common? They both contain locked up loonies!"

"Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy."

"8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I'm just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there."

"I love picking out my wife's panties except this isn't my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up"