190828

Joke of the Day

"Just had a kale and quinoa salad and now my name is Autumn and I braid my hair and drive a Subaru."

"""Rogue One"" idea: The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander. Boldly - regally - he strides into the room. ""Mesa Jar-Jar Binks"""

"What do you call a $300 hand job from a rapper? Beats by Dre."

"What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity? Digging for booty."

"What type of government rules the butterflies? A monarchy"

"My girlfriend is due tomorrow ...however, I have to wait 18 years before I can date her"

"Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that."

"I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate."

"Your ex-girlfriend has endorsed you on LinkedIn for ""Ignoring Glaring Personal Issues!"""

"I went for a job at NASA yesterday. Everything was going well until they asked me what my ambitions were. I replied, ""The sky's the limit!"" and they told me to fuck off!"