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Joke of the Day

"The mantra to a successful relationship find someone who likes the same thermostat setting as you do."

"Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home."

"""My phone's about to die."" -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call."

"If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day."

"What do you call it when Bob Dylan sucks your dick in a hurricane? The answer my friend... is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind."

"Ran into my ex the other day Then I put it in reverse. Then I ran her over."

"Just saw Snow White working at Lady Foot Locker, she was looking hot, seriously, she was the fairest of the mall."

"I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she's traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head."

"Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop."

"What's worse than having 10 dead babies stapled to one tree? 1 dead baby stapled to 10 trees."