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Joke of the Day

"Server: Would you like another glass of wine? Me: I'm sorry, I don't have time Server: For the wine? Me: No, for silly questions"

"'Behooves' seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use. -me, at 3:42am"

"A woman just asked me if I'd like to help fight bigotry today but she was holding a clipboard so I said no."

"I lost my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me Why? What did he say? ""you're fired"""

"How do you get a bass player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza."

"I've Got a Surprise for you! says the excited girl friend. ""abort it"" he reply's."

"If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You're welcome."

"What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!"

"I bought some dog scented cologne the other day... Now I get all the bitches."

"The director of EA walks into a bar *Download the punchline for only 4.99* Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind Redditor!"