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Joke of the Day

"(while falling down a well) god damnit i forgot to grab my phone charger"

"Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart."

"the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed"

"She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*"

"You can't trust atoms... They make up everything."

"Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well I saw this light at the window...!"

"On allegations of Mayweather beating his wife... He was undefeated, he couldn't let her win."

"What did the oyster say when the monster broke into his home? Shucks"

"What do Derek Jeter and girls' asses have in common? They're both overrated bags of shit"

"I ordered a brand-new sandwich maker online. Her name is Svetlana."