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Joke of the Day

"I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond... It's a chemical agent."

"What does socialism smell like? It has a Bernie smell."

"I hate when people look at me and proclaim ""well look what the cat dragged in"". Do I look like a dead bird, small rodent, or used tampon?"

"DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY"

"I can't believe it's almost 2012 & there isn't a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids who's really into magic."

"Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong."

"I just drank another bottle of brake fluid. My friends think I'm addicted, but I can stop when I want to."

"At the liquor store: ""Hey, do you need help?"" ""Yes, but I come here instead"""

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, I fucking hate repeating myself."

"suicide bombing class... Welcome to Suicide Bombing Class 101. Listen carefully because i'm only going to say this once."