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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup."

"What's the real reason Lego Movie didn't get nominated for an Oscar? They thought it was called ""The Leo Movie""."

"So my girlfriend throws up in the morning also her stomach is getting bigger. It's time I get it through my head.....She drinks to much.."

"Resuming Windows... Resuming Windows is like going back to sex after being interrupted. It doesn't feel the same and you end up restarting."

"""Don't fret."" -Guitar that apparently doesn't want to be played"

"Two sausages are sizzling in a pan.... One says ""Do you think it's hot in here?"" The other says ""oh my god a talking sausage!"""

"Some people are like water balloons; they're more fun when you throw them out the window."

"Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?"

"30 wolves 28 sheep how many did not 10"

"Why are drug addicts bad at billiards? Because they only pay to shoot up the eight ball"