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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one"

"Pretty good one liner ___________."

"I can't wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing."

"Did it hurt when you fell? Into the toilet, you piece of shit?"

"What does the sign say on an out-of-business brothel? Beat it, we're closed."

"I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not."

"What did the baseball manager do when he needed another man in the bullpen? He took a can of orange juice from the freezer and made a pitcher."

"Nietzsche: God is dead God: Nietzsche is dead [they both turn to camera] THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES"

"hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume"

"My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better they worship cows."