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Joke of the Day

"*walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!"

"What did the Doe say when she walked out of the bushes? I'll never do that for two bucks again."

"Did you hear about the bomb that blew up a French cheese shop? There's de brie everywhere."

"What does a blind pornstar say when she's surprised? I did not see that cumming...."

"So I went to a zoo the other day... And all it had in it was one dog. It was a shitzu."

"When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, ""No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"""

"How many Mexicans does it take to build a... Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too."

"I know I'm gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up."

"What do you call a bunch of black kids playing in leaves? Raisin bran"

"SPOILER ALERT: In the book ""What to Expect When You're Expecting,"" it's a baby. You're expecting a baby."