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Joke of the Day

"Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* ""Tell them I died in the moon wars"""

"Why doesn't Anne Coulter have any loose skin? She's afraid someone will make a lampshade out of it."

"A person's tongue immediately becomes a toothbrush after you mention ""teeth"" in a conversation."

"Why can't a T-Rex clap Because it's extinct"

"Don't forget when you're tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You're welcome."

"Ended a relationship today. Don't worry, it wasn't mine."

"If a centipede a pint, how much can a precipice? A canopy."

"An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts? No, he said. Arthritis."

"A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as ""ruthless"" since then. People are pissed."

"Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!"