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Joke of the Day

"I'm so proud of my African pen pal friend. He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. I'm so glad, he's staying sober."

"I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust."

"me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]"

"Me: sorry I can't go to the farmer's market with you. Allergies. Friend: pollen? Me: hipsters."

"I don't have a girlfriend.... I just know a few people who would get mad if I said that."

"The Cheesecake Factory had a ""Help Wanted"" sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn't to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems"

"What do the post office and the San Francisco 49ers have in common? They don't deliver on Sunday"

"I like mixing laxatives and nitrous oxide on a regular basis, but it's OK... ...I only do it for shits and giggles."

"The egyptian man wouldnt admit he'd fallen in a river I guess he was in de Nile"

"How many MRAs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Tires need changing too you know!"