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Joke of the Day

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

"When i was a kid we played football on a bit of grass at the bottom of the bridge where people often committed suicide... We used the jumpers for goalposts."

"I ask that my remains me kept in an urn... ...and whoever keeps the urn squirts some lotion in there periodically because you guys know I can't stand being ashy."

"I do my trigonometry outside... cos tan."

"What did the bartender say to the horse? bartender: Why the long face? Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family."

"What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum."

"What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU'RE BEING UNCANNY!"

"How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You don't know man, you weren't there!"

"I recently rewatched The Lion King and just noticed how many metaphors there were... I guess you can say there was a whole lot of *Simba*-lism."

"What do you call a Phillipino contortions? A manilla folder"