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Joke of the Day

"If I worked at Starbucks I'd pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time. ""I see you're drinking 2%, is that because you think you're fat?"""

"When you eat the entire frozen pizza by yourself, the slogan changes to ""It's not delivery, it's depression."""

"Radio from an American boat: Mayday, mayday. We are sinking! Radio back from a German rescue ship: What are you sinking about?"

"Look. If we're going with redundancies like ""tunafish"", I'll just have my beefmeat and be done with it."

"What do you call a sassy criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending."

"I made a graph of my past girlfriends. It has an ex axis and a why axis."

"Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram."

"*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i'm having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok"

"How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was"

"3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said ""I'll be back in 20 minutes"". Nobody has bothered me since and I'm never taking it down."