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Joke of the Day

"Looks like the heavy bag of sirloins fell off the top shelf, landing on the butchers head, and killing him. Looks like the steaks *shades* were too high. YEAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"If your name is Brian and your home WiFi isn't called ""Bri-Fi"", what are you doing?"

"Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us"

"""I thought I was happy, but then you revved your engine so loudly and I realised YOU are what's been missing from my life"" - No girl, ever."

"Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman"

"How do you get a drummer to drink a beer open it for him"

"BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES"

"You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are."

"LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out... You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older."

"I exclusively use internet explorer to download Google chrome."