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Joke of the Day

"1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians."

"Son: can I go? Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings Son: yeah I know Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline"

"How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi"

"Shit. I was late for my time management class."

"What do a feminist and a policeman have in common? Q: What do a feminist and a policeman have in common? A: They're both trigger-happy."

"I'm trying to stop... I'm trying to stop masturbating. It's really hard."

"The worst thing you can do to a woman is to not let her see the picture you just took of her."

"I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back"

"Sometimes I wake up grouchy sometimes I let her sleep"

"What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs? Irrelephant."