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Joke of the Day

"$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin' on virgin Indian tears."

"In which sub does OP deliver most often? /r/babybumps/"

"What do you call a murder in the middle east? A hummus-cide"

"Willie Nelson died today.. Yeah he was playing on the road again.."

"What do you do with 100 peaches? You eat what you can, and you can, what you can't."

"""Hey man what happened to you, you look like you've been in a fight?"" - ""You should see the other guy..."" ""He was fucking huge, I didn't stand a chance"""

"Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably."

"Penguins can't fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don't have to clean penguin shit off my car."

"Why do scuba divers jump off the boat backwards? Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat."

"Whenever I use idioms in the wrong context... ...people look at me as if I'm as thick as thieves!"