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Joke of the Day

"Everyone tells me I hold grudges just like my dad. They say I'm a chip on the old shoulder."

"4yo: let me smell your eyelashes! Me:...ok 4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face? Me: this is how nightmares are born."

"It really stinks when you bite into what you expect to be a hot dog but it's actually a sausage That's the wurst"

"[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know"

"I like my women as I like my sandwiches... ...no crust."

"roundabouts My girlfriend isn't very fond of the many roundabouts that our city is starting to build. I told her that she'd come around to them."

"what does my dad and christmas crackers have in common? they show up once a year to make me cringe with their dad jokes, and then give me a shitty gift."

"What kind of car did Jesus drive? a manual."

"7 y/o daughter: Why don't they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape? And now I know what Einstein's parents felt like"

"If a British person calls 911 and says, ""It's a bloody mess"" how does the operator know if there's blood or the person is just being British"