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Joke of the Day

"They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder."

"Why did the sushi cross the road? Sushi could get to the other side."

"Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President"

"If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio"

"It's a hard life being a window... Everyone can see right through you"

"Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009"

"I know some scientists who worked on LIGO. I am so glad to gravitate around people who make waves."

"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. She thinks to herself, 'Some asshole's got my pen.'"

"""I will take a nirvana sandwich."" ""One with everything"""

"While you are trying to remember your ex then look at your watch and it's showing 4:04 ..."