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Joke of the Day

"My wife said she was divorcing me because I am obsessed with masturbation. I told her to go fuck herself"

"In a perfect world, the phrase ""axe body spray"" would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns."

"Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter."

"""more like president PAJAMA"" *obama jumps into pj's, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*"

"I'd kill a two-year-old... ...to get with Casey Anthony"

"Lazy People Fact #5812672793 You were too lazy to read that number."

"I stuffed some socks in my pants to impress the ladies but it didn't work so I'll try moving the socks to the front of my pants."

"You: ""Nice glasses."" Me: ""Thanks. They'd look better on your nightstand."""

"What do you call it... when an old man cums all over you? Viagra Falls My wife just made up this joke and wondered if she actually made it up or if she is just not remembering where she heard it."

"I've been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex's number popping up on my phone this morning."