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Joke of the Day

"[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala] Waiter: ""what can I get u?"" ""do u have any eucalyptus?"" *restaurant goes quiet*"

"What do a walrus and a zip-lock bag have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal."

"Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear."

"I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped."

"Highways are a lot like toilets... It only takes a couple big shits to back everything up."

"Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm."

"If you call someone from Alaska an Alaskan, someone from Texas a Texan, and Iowa an Iowan; what do you call someone from Utah? A Mormon"

"Why is Paris the city of love? Hard P and a soft A. Modified from comment section of reddit"

"What do you call a guy that hates Christmas and steals the woman you love? Ebenezer Scrooge-yagirl"

"When that guy on the train woke up and stretched, I don't think he liked it when I scratched his head and said ""Who's a big kitty?!"""