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Joke of the Day

"What do Big Ben and the House of Commons have in common? Both have a huge bellend swinging his weight around inside"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come to work :("

"My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car But I didn't want to hear his Saab story"

"Don't call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet."

"friend: what are your plans for The Purge? [imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL] me: do a murder"

"Why did Verizon's mailman get fired? He was losing packets."

"Did you hear about the fierce competition between the Texan and Mexican ice cream shops? It was the Battle of the A La Mode!"

"How do you make a plumber sad? You kill his family"

"I think I'm going to start taking helium People are speaking very highly of it."

"Everyone's switching from the iPhone 5 to the iPhone 6 for an extra inch ...I sure hope my girlfriend doesn't do the same."