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Joke of the Day
"My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you're good."
Next Joke
"My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said, Sounds more like an ellipsis..."
"You have 2,000 friends on FB and your profile pic was taken in the mirror? You couldn't find one of your ""friends"" to take it?"
"Tell me more about how awful dubstep is, generation that celebrated disco."
"What happens to garlic sauce over time? The sausages."
"The moments I'm not eating are somewhat torturous."
"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? ""See you next month!"""
"I'll say ""HELLO PUPPY!"" to your dog, but you'll get the awkward half-smile."
"What must a vampire ask before he has sex? Is it alright if I cum inside?"
"Monkey: ""We're not so different"" Me: ""Did that monkey just talk to me"" Monkey: ""Monkey noise"" Me: ""Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"""