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Joke of the Day

"Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?"

"That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts"

"*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger"

"Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he's sleeping. He won't think it's as funny as you do."

"I asked a music teacher what is sooo hard about playing a violin... she said it's kinda fiddely."

"What do you call a candelabra that refuses to hold candles? A candle-nah-brah"

"[robbing Whole Foods] ""All the cash in a bag NOW!"" 100% organic reusable bag ok? ""Yes!"" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag"

"How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!"

"Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness? He was too super fish oil."

"Hahaha you're killing me. ~Me to this cigarette."