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Joke of the Day

"I accidentally said ""pastryarchy"" instead of ""patriarchy"" and now I have a vision for a better world"

"Why did the semen cross the road? Why did the seman cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.."

"When you're single nobody likes you... when you're in a relationship everybody likes you."

"I asked mom once how she knew dad was ""the one"". ""because,"" she replied, ""DNA tests don't lie."""

"30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown."

"Horrible one liner I'm trying to come up with a one liner. Shit."

"Just ordered some cops for my neighbours."

"Consuming alcoholic beverage is prohibited in my office! So I sit down with root beer on a square table sometimes."

"[god making cheetahs] Let's just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers"

"What do me and my fridge have in common? Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne"